I feel so very blessed to be a member of a small group of women that has been meeting monthly for many years. We enjoy the normal rituals of friendship like catching up with the latest news in our own corners of the world and sharing the ups and downs of each others’ lives. But the most significant tradition that we share is to spend a good deal of time in silence together. We don’t always follow the rules exactly to our group spiritual direction, but we do honor significant times of silence interspersed with insights and reflections based on each others’ personal storytelling.
At one of our recent gatherings I found myself a puddle of tears when it came time for me to speak. Although I have no problem with crying generally, it is a fairly rare occurrence, and so I was a bit surprised when my weeping came so freely. Once I came up for air and was ready to receive feedback from my friends, one response was especially helpful. “You’re just a Holy Mess right now…..you’re in the midst of a Holy Unraveling.” Those words resonated so deeply with me and helped provide a metaphor for my current state of being.
After 30 years of living in a community that I love, working and living life with people that I love, and being employed by an institution that I love, I am moving to Richmond. I never imagined leaving my life here, but I also never imagined that all three of my children and their significant others would end up living in the same city of Richmond. Even better, my two sons and their wives will be gifting us with our first grandchildren, one in April and one in May. The call to share in all this generativity was too hard to ignore. So, I find myself in a time of whirlwind transition: getting a house ready to sell, searching for a house ready to buy, trying to finish up well the job I currently have, while making time to find a different job in a place where I am virtually unknown.
I have felt excited and exhausted, hopeful and harried, nervous and numb, wonderful and worried, unsure and unsettled. At times, the predictability and security of my life has seemed to be unraveling around me and I feel that I’m a mess. And yet even in the most despairing of moments, I have sensed the presence of the Holy with me through it all. I’ve even come to recognize that being in this strange space of so much uncertainty and self-doubt is healthy for me and maybe even holy for me. For isn’t much of this unraveling and mess part of the human condition? Not to be overly dramatic, but haven’t most of us had glimpses into what mystics have called the “dark night of the soul” – a necessary passage in a mature spiritual journey.
As I live into this current season of transition, I am mindful of countless others around me in a similar state. I feel solidarity with those about to graduate who feel clueless about the next chapter in their lives. I have empathy for those seeking employment and finding fierce competition at every turn. My heart goes out to those who are dealing with unexpected changes and losses in health, in relationships, in lifestyle. My prayer is that these comrades on the unraveling and messy journey of life might also know the presence of the Sacred as they make their way through this current season. May each of us have loving and caring companions who can be with us in prayerful silence as we unravel and hold us close in heart through the mess.
Peace, Anne