This past week of spring break I spent time with my 86-year-old mother and my sister as we traveled by car from Kansas City to my hometown of Worland, Wyoming. For the past five months my mother has been a resident in an assisted living facility close to my sister in Kansas. For the first time since the move, we were taking my mom back to the town she had lived in for 70 years. Since we were together almost 24/7 during that week, I had lots of opportunities to reflect on what it means to be the child of an aging parent.
I was reminded of a poignant video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWJq1SvgWQ0) I had seen of an elderly man and his son on a park bench. The father repeatedly asks his son “What is that?” as he looks at a bird flitting about in the trees. After several times of repeating the answer that the “thing” is a sparrow, the son loses patience and raises his voice. The father then walks slowly into the house and returns with a small book, a journal that he kept when his son was a child. It turns out that one particular day, when the boy was just three years old, he was the one asking the same question of his father. According to the journal entry the father responded with a hug no less than 21 times as his 3 year old son asks over and over “What is that?” Upon reading the journal, the now adult son turns to his father with a tender kiss and embrace.
Like the adult son in the video, my sister and I had occasions to feel impatient with my mom during the week of travel and visiting. And yet we also recognized that we were now doing for my mother as she had no doubt done for us countless times in our childhood. When we were little we didn’t always sleep well. During the trip my mother woke us up at 3:45 one morning, fully dressed and ready to head for home. We could not convince her otherwise and so we obliged and left the hotel in the middle of the night. When we were children mom worried for our safety, and she was often hesitant to let us venture out into the unknown. Now we worry for mom and have taken her car keys away so that she no longer has the independence she once cherished. Mom always kept the medicines away from our reach so that we wouldn’t accidentally ingest them. We now have staff from the assisted living administer her medications regularly since she often gets confused and runs the risk of an overdose or even “underdose” of needed prescriptions. Mom helped us to learn how to read and write while we were growing up. Now as a result of macular degeneration we often have to help her read large print books and write cards on her behalf so that she only has to sign them with her shaky writing.
Many people I know who are my age share similar stories with me about their own parents and even students can relate as they watch their grandparents health and wellness diminish each time they go home. Aging is a natural part of life’s journey and it can be a very challenging and stressful time just as raising children can also be challenging and stressful. My hope and prayer is that those of us fortunate enough to still have elders in our lives might strive to cultivate patience, kindness, and forgiveness as we navigate this last earthly season with our parents. If we were blessed to have caring and devoted parents, may we do our best to return the favor now and pay it forward.
Peace, Anne