Relationships – the 4th R

The notion that much of education involves Reading, ‘Riting, and ‘Rithmetic fails to acknowledge the vital importance of a fourth R – and that is Relationships. I’ve been thinking about relationships on campus recently as this time of year seems to lend itself to such musings. Next week we will observe Valentine’s Day, which is usually one of those love/hate holidays. While some folks look forward each year to the exchange of cards, candies, and floral bouquets, others find it a painful reminder that they don’t happen to have a significant other and the sudden explosion of red and pink hearts everywhere you turn may feel like a slap in the face.

It’s also the time of semester when sororities and fraternities engage in recruitment, bidding, and final selection. For those who are chosen and welcomed into these groups, a whole new world of brotherhood, sisterhood, community and service opens up. For those who may not have been selected it can be a time of self-doubt, disappointment, and dejection.

Lately I’ve been spending a good deal of time working with engaged couples planning weddings. Before I agree to officiate at any marriage ceremony I require several sessions of counseling that explore significant issues such as communication, conflict resolution, family backgrounds, spirituality, finances, etc. It doesn’t take long to identify the areas where couples will have ongoing stressors in their marriage. Our own marriage and family expert, Dr. Ken West, refers to these issues as “perpetual problems” that will never disappear but will need to be worked through, time and time again, throughout the entirety of the marriage.

In addition to real-time face-to-face interpersonal relationships, we also experience another kind of friendship online through cyberspace with the almost universal use of services such as Facebook. I recently viewed the movie “The Social Network” which explores the development of Facebook through the relationships of Harvard student Mark Zuckerberg and others who were involved in the development of this online relationship building phenomenon. What struck me most about the movie was that Zuckerberg, the individual most responsible for the development of Facebook, seemed to have almost no genuine friendships in his own life, even as he developed a mechanism to connect people to thousands of others all around the world.

Relationships, whether romantic ones, those created by group affiliations, or developed virtually online, are complicated and require commitment of our time and energy as well as virtues such as honesty, respect, patience, and kindness. And the healthiest relationships, in my own observation, are those that don’t simply exist for themselves but have a contagious effect and spill over positivity to those around them. This month we celebrate lovers that expand their circle to include friends and family, Greek organizations that are committed to improving the community around them, and even Facebook friends that use online networking as a way to educate and advocate on behalf of a variety of social issues and causes.

May we all be grateful for the relationships we do enjoy and recommit ourselves to nurturing those friendships in life-giving and generative ways.

Peace, Anne