Deep Suffering and Great Joy
In graduate school, I worked as a chaplain in a large hospital, and once a week would work a 24-hour shift covering the entire hospital. One late evening I got a page (yes, we used pagers) to visit a woman whose husband was incredibly ill and would probably not survive the night. She had requested a visit with me and asked if I could walk with her to the chapel to pray.
We made our way to the small chapel, which was hidden in the basement of the hospital. When we arrived she immediately found a pew, knelt, crossed herself, and began to pray. As she was praying, she broke into uncontrollable sobs, pleading with God to heal her husband and help her through these moments of grief and pain. I sat next to her on the pew, doing my best to be present with her while at the same time trying not to say anything stupid or insensitive. Silently, though, I echoed her prayers, pleading that God might have mercy.
After a few minutes of crying and praying, she sat back into the pew with a look of pure emotional exhaustion. She looked over at me, looked at my dress shirt, and then said, laughing, “You know, my husband has a lot of old dress shirts. You’d look great in them. I should just give them all to you, if that’s ok.”
I don’t entirely remember my reaction or what I said in return. Most likely I said something to the effect of, “Sounds good to me.” Then she said, “Let’s go back.” and we made our way back to her husband’s bedside.
I’ve thought about that moment a handful of times over the years. I was always struck that in her moment of unimaginable grief, she was able to laugh at giving me dress shirts.
The Zen Master, Tich Naht Hahn, describes suffering and happiness not as opposites or even emotions that occur at separate times. Instead, they are often happening at the same time. In suffering, one can find moments of great happiness. And yet, in moments of great happiness, there can be deep suffering.
Catholic priest, Henri Nouwen speaks of suffering as a means to discover community, hospitality, and healing. It is what can thrust us to find human liberation, something that would bring incredible joy.
As I’ve thought about all of this, maybe experiencing deep suffering allows us to appreciate joy. And, maybe experiencing deep joy allows us to endure great suffering.
That’s my hope, at least, for that woman in the chapel in the basement of the hospital. That she was able to endure deep grief because she had experienced great joy. And that she was able to deeply appreciate her joy because of her grief.
Every year on campus, we host a Service of Remembrance as a way to reflect, honor, and give thanks for the lives of loved ones who died in the last year. It is a way to voice our suffering, but also find a sense of community and, hopefully, joy. (See info on Page 2.)
If you find yourself in grief, suffering, or pain, I hope you will be reminded that joy might just be a moment away. I also hope you will join us virtually to pray for and read the names of those who have gone before us.
Finally, I hope you remember that just because you have grief does not mean you can’t discover joy. You can. You will. And, you just might find it in a dress shirt.